Stop your pain wants to speak to you
As I was flying through the air, I had one thought, not my head. My knee smacked into the concrete, closely followed by my ribs and finally my head touched the ground. Despite the physical pain which I was slowly realising, my initial reaction was, can I breathe? In yoga we are taught about pranayama, tentatively I filled my lungs, pushing out my stomach, focusing and following my breath I knew that nothing was broken. If I could breathe, I was ok, right? I didn’t pass out but I thought I might. Instead I did something that was a complete anathema to me, I called for help.
Despite my protests, neighbours came and helped me with wood, fires and shopping and after a few days, my friend Merilyn arrived from Jerez. Even with all of the help on offer, I fought it, struggling to support myself and doing things that I shouldn’t. Again I could not accept help as if it were a sign of weakness. I had come this far on my own, surely, I could carry on?
The physical healing from the fall came slowly, grudgingly I gave in, although not entirely. Ok, I admit it, I tried to carry on as normal. It must have been as if the Cosmos was watching me. A few weeks in and I came down with flu. Determined not to be floored again, I stopped myself coughing, developing instead a rather unfunny chest infection. During the early stages of the infection I allowed a single cough to emerge and ripped a muscle in my back and was completely and utterly stopped, knocked out, and unable to function. The pain was crippling. I was angry but more than anything else I was scared of what would become of me. What would I do, how would I look after me, how would this OCD woman clean her house and how could I work?
Life at a standstill for a workaholic on a mission felt like some kind of divine joke. Though, who was pulling the strings, remained a mystery. The screaming inner voice finally had my attention and I was going nowhere fast.
Despite not physically travelling, inwardly I was able to cover miles of me. It was as if I had been transported back to the green cross code. Standing at the edge of the road I was called to stop, look and listen. If I wanted to cross this particular road, I needed to wake up to the traffic whizzing by or be stopped once and for all. Calming the irrational fear, I confirmed to myself that what I needed to do now was trust.
The penis was nothing compared to this. The penis was small, insignificant a mere launch pad into the great unknown, the cough while propelling me further into darkness somehow reassured me that there would be light at the end of this particular tunnel, as long as I had faith in the divine.
Laughingly I told friends that my mate the Cosmos knowing that I could handle emotional pain had decided to inflict physical pain so that she could gain my attention. It certainly worked.
Not content with giving me this pain, out of the blue a toothache started. Finding myself in the dentists chair for an hour and a half having a tooth pulled was not fun. Sitting once again putting my mind elsewhere and concentrating on my breathing, I was convinced that all would be well. The sweating dentist stopped at two roots and declared she could do no more and that I would need to see a surgeon.
Unlike some people, I have never been frightened of the dentist. That was until I met the brute who shoved five injections in my mouth the following Monday. Without pausing for my mouth to freeze he set about digging out the final root. My fear spiralled out of control and it was all I could do to breathe. Ten minutes later I was dispatched. He was apparently pissed off that I did not take an expensive dental implant there and then. Thank goodness I listened to my body and intuition because for several more weeks my mouth continued to throb. There would be no implant until this too healed.
I have come to learn that any physical pain is a call to action. Your soul is asking you for a response. There are many books on what each pain relates to and while these are a good indicator and a great place to start, the only place you will get your answers is within. Later I will share with you how I explored what all of this means to me.
For now, what I wonder are you experiencing that you are ignoring? For me, the fear of what will happen if I don’t stop and listen is far greater than the physical pain. It is of paramount importance that I take heed; I know that absolutely.
The great thing about being aware is that although you may not enjoy what is happening, you know that this too will pass. By exploring why and looking for your unique solution, you will work your way through your current experiences.
Will it make you a better person? Who knows, but let’s hope it makes you wiser and with that wisdom you can find contentment, fulfilment and be able to support others in the best way that you can.