I have no apologies for my inner child
There is no apology. Apologies says failure, and I have not failed me. Failures are perceived as a way to say that we have done something wrong. I haven’t done anything wrong.
Yes, I have failed. Yes, there have been failures. Fail, flail and fall.
It’s all negative, isn’t it?
I can acknowledge that things haven’t gone to the structured rigid plan that I thought life would be. I can acknowledge that I don’t behave as you would like me to. I can acknowledge that I live my life as you would not choose. However, in all of this, I chose what happened. I chose to live this way. There has never been any decision without a choice. No one made me. It may have seemed like that.
The people who inflicted their offensive behaviour on me might have ‘made’ me do things. But I still chose. The child and the babysitter, as disgusting and disgraceful he was, I still made a choice. A choice based on innocence and trust. I trusted the adult and he let me down. I could apologise for his behaviour, but why should I? He failed me; I did not fail myself. I, the I, I now am, wasn’t there or at least not in the form I am now. My spirit was there, and I could ask – did she need this lesson? Did she need to be pushed into a dark place? I could argue that I chose – the choose word again – to live this way before I came to be a human on this Planet called Mother Earth. I must have done – because how else am I here living this life?
The path is the path. I do not apologise for following it this way and then that way and sometimes walking along it in a way that seems to make no sense. But it does make sense. It brings me to this point and this life. It brings me to this understanding. It brings me closer to my soul’s purpose. I am closer to my soul. She never left me, all that happened was the flames of my spirit were dampened. She hid, my dear spirit. We couldn’t find her, my human and soul. We carried on making choices and one day she peeked out of her hidey hole. ‘Hello, is it safe to come out?’
She did not apologise for hiding. She needed some space to recover from early batterings. It wasn’t what she had expected when she signed her contract with her soul before she slipped into human life. It was a shock, and we didn’t protect her. I have no apologies for not protecting her, we all needed to learn.
Without failure, there is no learning.
We learn so that we can find the light. The light will guide us home. Home may be back to the ‘soul place’ or home could be home on Mother Earth. Our Mother. Mother to all. She who holds us, has our back and loves us.
If I were to apologise, I would apologise to the Mother, to our Mother for all of her pain we inflict as humans. Does she have a lesson to learn? How did she become the battleground for warring humans? Did she choose? What is she choosing now? I am sure that she has no apologies for expelling the humans who crawl over her body and disrespect her beauty and bounty. Would you? Would you apologise to someone who beat you, abused you, called you names and treated you as if you were less than the beautiful person you are?
Make no mistake; you are beautiful. You may see flaws; I see you. You may see failure; I see you. You many want to apologise, I say no, I say see you. See you, the beautiful human who bought a soul to this land. See how you can open your heart and set your spirit free.
What would it be like, if you didn’t apologise? What if you didn’t say sorry to your inner child? Instead, you embraced every part of you for the incredible journey you have all been on, human, soul, spirit and inner child? What if the failure you currently perceive is what makes you amazing, stupendous, marvellous, super duper, rocking, and any other brilliant words that describe your brilliant self?
I do not apologise; I do not need to.
I might apologise to bumping into someone. Or apologise for forgetting your birthday. This is politeness.
I do not want to be polite to myself. There are no platitudes that I want to offer me. I want to celebrate the journey. The dark, deep, filthy rubbish that has often been part of this Earthly trip. Without the dark, I would not know light. I needed to get my bearings for the way home. The way home is towards the light. It is towards love. I am on track.
Apologies are aggressive, harsh; they say I was wrong. I was not wrong; I am not wrong. I simply am. I am journeying this life in the best way that I can.
Would I, as I am now, want to put myself through the things that have happened? No. I would never want to hurt myself. I wouldn’t want to be with some of the people that I did spend my precious time with. I wouldn’t want this emotional or physical pain.
But without pain, there is no peace. That’s the premise of human life, isn’t it? Without the bad, there cannot be good. Yin and Yang. Balance and harmony. Dark and light.
So if this is how life is – a balance. Then I seek balance. I seek harmony without recriminations or apologies to myself. The past is yesterday. I have only now and in my now, I do not want to live with apologies. I want to declare that I am open for life.